This is what’s on HIS mind when you’re in bed
Telepathy would be so handy during sex; you’d know exactly what he’s thinking. But in the absence of a psychic superpower, we’ve done the next best thing. We’ve asked men to tell us, thought by thought…
What runs through your own mind during sex is baffling enough – and you’re in control of it. But here’s an alarming fact: men’s brains are actually more active than ours during the deed. “Studies show that parts of the female brain deactivate during sex, so women go into a trance-like state the closer they get to orgasm. But the male brain stays lit up,” explains sex counsellor Ian Kerner. Rather than wonder what he might be thinking, we asked three men to share the mental script of a sexual encounter that’s stuck with them – no censoring allowed. Yes, it’s graphic (like you’d expect otherwise).
1 “Should I talk dirty?”
By Gavin James Bower, 33
My bedroom – night. This is our first time. We’ve had a kiss and a cuddle on dates one and two, but now Erin’s come over to mine. She’s really hot, a bit younger than me, and I’ve been building tonight up in my head – so much so, I’m now self-conscious and desperate not to blow it.
I kiss her in the doorway, shuffling my feet so she backs into the bed and ends up lying on her back – me on top.
Me Why are we still dressed? And what am I going to do about it? Wait – have I got pizza breath? There I was thinking no washing up meant we could just jump into bed… what a numpty!
I kiss her again and breathe in – she’s got pizza breath too.
Me Phew… now, what about that weird blouse she’s wearing?
I shift so I’m straddling her – then she slips a hand down my jeans.
I move in for another kiss and lift up her top. Only, it gets caught on her boobs…
Me God, I fancy her… how does the ‘Joey-from-Friends-bra-snap’ go again?
Erin “Let’s get into bed.”
I take off my jeans and socks in one swift move and climb in next to her.
Me It’s definitely gonna happen… (I do a mental self-five.)
We crank it up a notch, more snog than kiss, and what’s left of our clothing comes off.
Me Should I talk dirty? Does she want me to do something to her first – y’know, to get her going? Or maybe we’ll just go at it like mucky teenagers…
Erin “Get a condom.”
We go at it like mucky teenagers.
Me What’s wrong with me? It’s like I’ve never done this before. Hang on – I’m not gonna last…
It’s over. There’s a beat as I lie next to her, and wait for her to break the tension…
Erin “Have we got any pizza left?”
Gavin James Bower is a writer, @gavinjamesbower
Related: Would you ask these questions on a first date?
2 “Did she really just say that?”
By Timothy Goodman, 32
My place – morning. She has a large Buddhist scripture tattoo on her back, sort of like Angelina Jolie’s. It’s our second date and she’s calling me “Baby” already. While it bothered me at first, I don’t care that much. After all, she’s gorgeous and after several drinks at a cocktail place in the West Village last night, naturally, I invited her over. The sun is coming through the blinds onto her semi-naked body. I begin kissing every inch of it.
Me I’m going to miss a meeting I have to be at soon, but I’m so turned on by her that I couldn’t care less.
Lea “We’re not having sex, but we can do other things,” she whispers.
She takes off her remaining clothes and we continue.
Lea “Oh Baby, yes! That feels so good. You turn me on so much, Baby.”
Me There’s that “Baby” again. I brush up against her immaculately smooth skin.
Me Hmm, on second thoughts, I like it. I want to hear more of this word. I’m smitten, say it again. Can I get a ‘Baby, you’re amazing!’?
A couple of minutes later she orgasms. We begin kissing again.
Lea “Baby, I want you to masturbate on top of me!”
Me Wait, what? Did she really just say that? Am I hallucinating?
I quietly ignore her request, and I keep kissing her and massaging her body.
Lea “Do it now, Baby! Now!”
Me *Gulp* (My mind is frantically racing) Is she serious? Is this a prank? Why do I feel so nervous? Do I have to? How long do I have to decide? Can I call a lifeline? Sure, this can be a wonderful expression for two people who have history, who feel comfortable together – but this is our second date! I don’t know what her middle name is. I don’t know what her favourite flavour of ice cream is. I don’t even know what it’s like to have normal sex with her. I can’t just masturbate on top of her! I feel like a shy schoolboy.
Me (Awkwardly) “Shit, I’m really late for a meeting.”
I’m surprised by my own shyness and equally impressed by her audacity. I never saw Baby again.
Timothy Goodman is a designer, illustrator and author, tgoodman.com @timothyogoodman
Related: 31 Total mood killers
3 “Shall I just keep kissing her thighs?”
By Tom Ward, 26
Alexa’s bedroom – night. University textbooks stand in an uneven pile on the windowsill. A single lamp paints the room in a dull glow. Beyoncé is playing on the laptop. It’s our fourth date.
Me “I love Rihanna.”
She shakes her head and pushes me back on the bed.
Alexa “Well, she doesn’t like you,” she says as she bites my ear.
Me Bloody hell! It’s happening! Wait, she’s biting my ear already. What if I can’t keep up? She’s just showing off…
She struggles to take her clothes off, then lies back, naked.
Me Should I take my clothes off now? Why is she moaning? I haven’t even done anything. Maybe it’s a hint.
Me Her stomach tastes good. OK, this all looks to be in order. How long do I have to do this for? Can she even feel anything? Maybe if I just keep kissing her thighs, they like that, right?
Me My turn. Has she noticed I’ve shaved? Are men supposed to do that? Wait, that feels good. Wait! No, what is she doing? I feel like I need a wee.
Me OK, she’s on top. I can’t feel much, this is good, I’m going to last ages. Her boobs look amazing. Is that a Bukowski book on her shelf?
Me OK, change position. No, not like that. Hang on, this is good. Her bum looks incredible. Oh no… better think of something else. List all of Scorsese’s films… oh no, I’m going to come thinking of Leonardo DiCaprio.
Me “I’m going to…”
Alexa “Do it.”
My mind empties and we lie down next to each other, a little bit closer than before.
Me Why is she kissing my neck? Not again, give me a minute. I’ll do better next time…